Careful What You Ask
by iamscully
Summary: Radar asks a question and gets a little more info than he expected!


Title: Careful What You Ask

A/N: No slash. : ( Just a little something I wrote trying to jumpstart my muse. Unbeat'ed, all errors are mine. Feedback greatly appreciated!

"Can I ask you a question?" Radar paused, waiting for a response from Hawkeye. When none was forthcoming, he cleared his throat and tried again. "Uh, Hawkeye?"

"Yeah?" Hawkeye looked up distractedly from where he was sitting on Radar's cot, updating a record. "Sorry, Radar, what did you say?"

"I asked if I could ask you a question."

"Oh. Yeah, sure." Hawkeye make a few notations on the chart. "What is it?"

"That's what I wanted to know!" Radar looked surprised. "How did you know that was what I wanted to know? I mean, that that was what I was gonna ask you." He studied Hawkeye suspiciously. "I thought I was the only one around here who knew what was gonna be said before anybody said what they was gonna say."

Hawkeye set the clipboard in his lap and stared at Radar in confusion. "What?"

"Oh, forget it. Just tell me what it is."

"What what is?"

"I thought you knew!"

"Radar," Hawkeye said, patience straining, "I'm a doctor, not a mind reader. What is it that you want to know what it is?" He blinked, then shook his head. "Great, now I'm talking like you. Klinger's gonna kill me if I get his Section Eight."

Radar looked at Hawkeye blankly. Hawkeye sighed and ran a hand through his greying hair. "Look, Radar, let's start over, shall we? If I remember correctly, you wanted to ask me a question. What did you want to ask? And be specific, please, this twisty conversation is giving me a hernia trying to follow it."

"Oh. Okay. Well, I was filling out supply requisitions and there was a request for this stuff, only I don't know what it is. But I figured you'd know, since you was the one making the request and all."

"Okay…." Hawkeye drew the word out slowly. "What is this 'stuff' I requested called?"

"Um…" Radar checked a form. "K-Y Jelly."

"Okay, yeah, I remember requesting that. We're almost out."

"Why'd you use a medical supply requisition form? You shoulda used a food requisition form."

"What?"

"A food requisition form. Jelly's food. I mean, I'm not a doctor, but I don't think putting jelly on a patient would be very good." Radar snickered. "Goes better with peanut butter."

Hawkeye laughed. "Not this kind of jelly. Trust me, K-Y Jelly is not meant to be eaten." He paused. "Well, at least, not with peanut butter. On bread."

"Huh?" Radar shook his head. "Well, then what's it for, if you don't eat it?"

"It's a medical product. A lubricant," Hawkeye explained. "We use it for, you know—" he waved his hands vaguely—"lubricating things."

"What's a lub…lub-ri-cant?" Radar stumbled over the unfamiliar word.

"Well, it's for…it's for making things, you know…slippery. Like oil."

"Oil?"

"Yeah." Hawkeye sat forward. "You know how a car needs oil? So all the engine parts run smoothly and don't grind together and…and, uh, get grinded up or whatever?" Hawkeye mentally rolled his eyes at himself; he really should learn something about cars one day.

"Oh. Okay, yeah, I get it." Radar nodded, then frowned. "So this K-Y Jelly—you use it to keep the patients' insides from grinding together?"

"Huh? What? Oh, uh, no, not exactly." Hawkeye scratched his head. "It's not used on a person's insides—I mean, it _is,_ but not like that."

"I'm sorry, Hawkeye, I still don't understand."

"It's like this, Radar: you know how sometimes we have to stick things in patients—like, like…uh, when we have to intubate and stuff?"

"Yeah. Well, sort of." Radar looked unsure.

"Well, to help slide the tube or the instrument or whatever in more easily, you coat it with lubricant."

"Uh-huh."

Hawkeye sighed and cast around for something Radar would understand. Like a bolt of lightning, it hit him.

"Radar, you know when you joined the Army and they gave you a full physical?"

"Yeah."

"And there was that really fun part where the doctor stuck his finger, ah, in your anus and checked you out in there?"

Radar's eyes widened and his face turned red. "Uh, yeah. I remember. Boy, was that embarrassing! I don't see how you doctors stand to do that…that gross stuff! I mean, geez, putting your finger…up there…where's it's all personal and private and all!"

"Yeah, well, it's one of the perks." Hawkeye smirked. "Anyway, the doctor's finger was coated with lubricant, to, you know, help it slide in easier."

"Oh. OH!" Radar blinked rapidly. "Oh, I get it."

"You got it, all right." Hawkeye grinned and winked at Radar. He leaned back against the wall, kicking out his feet and crossing them at the ankles.

"What—oh, hey, that's not funny!"

Hawkeye just grinned. His face took on a mischievous expression. "You know, K-Y Jelly can be used for other, more…personal endeavours, too."

"More personal than some guy sticking his finger—" Radar cut himself off and blushed again. "I mean, that's pretty personal!"

"I'm thinking 'personal' more along the lines of 'personal pleasure,' if you catch my meaning." Hawkeye made a crude gesture with his fist and grinned suggestively.

Radar's eyes almost popped out of their sockets and his mouth worked, making him look like a fish out of water. Blushing furiously, he sputtered, "Cap—Captain Pierce! You—you shouldn't say…um…do…um, I mean, say stuff like that around here, where anybody can see or hear ya!"

"You sound just like my father—he always called me by my full name when I did something naughty." Hawkeye smirked. "Sometimes I wonder how 'Hawkeye' ever stuck, because, boy, did I hear 'Benjamin Franklin Pierce' a lot!"

Hawkeye smiled to himself as Radar fiddled nervously with some papers. Speaking of naughty, there were other fun uses for K-Y Jelly that he had rather intimate knowledge of, but Hawkeye thought that if he even hinted around about anal sex to Radar, the boy would likely keel over from a coronary. Since he rather liked the kid, he decided to leave the sex education lectures to Henry.

Standing up and sauntering to the door, he shot a grin over his shoulder at Radar, who wouldn't quite meet his eyes.

"Remember, kid, just a dab'll do ya." He winked and twiddled a wave. "See ya in the funny papers."

Radar could hear Hawkeye chuckling as he walked away from the office. He sank down in his chair, staring at the requisition form on his desk. Glancing around furtively, he picked up a pen. Finding the "quantity requested" blank, Radar carefully changed the "5" Hawkeye had written to a "6."


End file.
